Shared Values in a Relationship

Considering Core Values in relationships

In any relationship, be it between friends or intimate couples, having shared values is probably THE most important ingredient in ensuring it's longevity. 


Values are about your firmly held beliefs about what makes you a person and also what you see as valuable in others. Your values are based on your experiences in life and will impact on everything from who you are attracted to, your political leanings, your tastes, what you do in your spare time, where you live, what you are passionate about, and more.


Values work in tandem with your boundaries which are your personal guideline of what you are prepared to accept in your relationships and from people, and are tied to your values - so if you have one, you have the other, and where you have little or no boundaries, your values will exist, but are likely to be focused on superficial, insubstantial values that don't make a positive impact on your life. Values (and boundaries) allow you to know what is good, bad, and right and wrong about life, both in terms of morals and how you feel about everything around you.

Your core values are the values that stay in place for very long periods of time and tend to endure even when other aspects of your life change. Core values are tied to your belief system. What we believe is reflected in how we act and what we look for in our partners.

Why shared values are more important than shared interests

When your values are being honoured you feel good. When you or someone else is pushing up against your values, you'll feel a certain level of discomfort, if not outright pain. You may have a lot in common, but if you don't share the common ground on your primary values, the things that actually matter most to you, there's a strong possibility that the people we share our life with can cause all sorts of problems. A lack of shared values will often be the underlying basis of those really meaty arguments you have, or those ongoing frustrations that come up every now and then and can ultimately cause a total break down in your relationship.

The good news is that you and your partner don't have to have exactly the same core values, but if there are more that you match up with, compared to those you don't, you will have a much better chance of having a good, healthy partnership.